


With Or Without You

by daddyoshie



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Future Fic, M/M, Moving On, Washington Capitals, and he misses alex, nicky is the captain now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 02:55:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15330186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daddyoshie/pseuds/daddyoshie
Summary: "I'm gonna miss you, Alex. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you.""Backy, you gonna be a great leader. I know it. Your turn now."Ovi leaves the captaincy in Nicky's hands. Nicky isn't sure he can live up to the legacy.





	With Or Without You

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my google drive for a year and a half and now it's finally ready. A huge thank you to tumblr user caps-household for the beta. 
> 
> Feel free to check me out on tumblr at daddyoshie, and my hockey main andrebearakovsky. Thanks for clicking on my fic, hope you guys enjoy!

Nothing was the same after Alex retired.

It had been a long, long run. Multiple Stanley Cup wins, a large accumulation of accolades, and the destruction of record after record in the NHL books, but Alex was no Jagr. He couldn’t do this forever. It was a long one, but it still had to come to an end. So, after one of the greatest careers in NHL history, Alexander Ovechkin announced that his time in the NHL was done.

After his last game, the Capitals had a huge ceremony honoring the best player in the history of the franchise. The team showed video upon video showcasing his career and impact, and Alex got the chance to express his love and appreciation for the team and city that had given him everything. Hugs, cheers, tears, and bittersweet feelings for everyone to share.

Emotions ran high, but no one was more emotional than Nicklas Backstrom. The usually stoic Swede couldn’t help but shed some tears as he reflected on all the time gone by. He had spent over two decades of his life with this man. He knew him better than anyone. He had played his entire NHL career with him. He couldn’t imagine playing in Washington without Alex, his best friend, yet he was going to have to.

During the ceremony, Alex held Nicky in a tight embrace, the culmination of years of on and off ice compatibility leading up to this moment.

“I’m gonna miss you, Backy.”

“I’m gonna miss you too, Alex,” Nicky said, trying his hardest to keep his composure. “I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you.”

“Backy, you a great player, with me or no,” Alex reassured. “You gonna be a great leader. I know it. Your turn now.”

And that summer, Alex went back to Russia, leaving behind a big Ovi-shaped hole in Nick’s life. Nicky spent the summer with his family, trying not to think too much about hockey, but eventually training camp rolled around and he was forced to face reality.

Camp got underway, and Kettler felt weird without Alex around. He was such a huge presence and personality, and you could feel the tension in the air from the lack of him. Nicky knew he wasn’t the only one who felt it. His teammates all had somber looks on their faces, but that seemed to pass for them after a few days when the grind of camp set in.

But it didn’t pass for Nicky. The hockey itself was the same as before, but he just couldn’t shake the weird feeling, especially when he looked around the rink at all of the new guys that he was having a hard time recognizing. Every year it felt like more and more of the teammates that he had grown up with and formed close bonds with had left. Some had moved on and retired. Some of them were playing for other teams now. Now, his team consisted of only a few guys that he’d played with for more than a few years. In some ways, it felt like an entirely new team, one that felt somewhat foreign to him, and the loss of Alex only made that feeling stronger.

Whenever he looked at all the young guns skating around the ice, Nicky felt old. He knew his time was running out. He, too, was no Jagr. He knew he was coming to the end of the line and only had a few more years left. In the back of his mind, he had always known that once Alex went, he would go a few years after. Those gap years between their retirements just hadn’t really registered in his mind back then, and now it sunk in that he was actually going to be playing without Alex.

One morning, a few days into training camp, Coach Reirdan called Nicky into his office. Nicky wasn’t sure what exactly this was all about, but he knew it must have been important when he saw the general manager and Ted Leonsis also waiting in there for him.

“What’s going on?”

“Well, Nick, obviously Ovi retired last season,” the GM began.

Just hearing it was a pain to Nicky’s heart.

“And obviously there are a number of holes to fill with his departure.”

“One of those things being the captaincy,” Ted Leonsis continued, looking Nicky straight in the eye. “Nick, we’d like to appoint you as the new team captain.”

Nicky’s eyes opened wide, stunned. “Oh, Ted, I…”

“We know those are big shoes to fill,” Ted said. “We know Ovi can’t be replaced. But you’re one of the greatest this franchise has ever had, and those guys out there have the utmost respect for you. So do the refs, and so does everyone else in the league. It’s the natural succession.”

Nicky continued to look skeptical, unsure of what to say.

“Alex would want you to follow in his footsteps,” Ted reassured. “He told us himself.”

That was what broke the spell for Nicky. He thanked the three men for the huge honor. Later that day, Reirdan gathered the team and announced that Nicky was going to be the new captain of the team. His teammates congratulated him and told him they were proud and it was well-deserved. Nicky thanked them, though in the back of his mind he couldn’t help but feel that there was no way he could follow up Alex.

The press conference with the media was a nightmare for him. Cameras all around, and reporter after reporter asked him about Alex, which was the one thing Nicky did not want to talk about. He could answer filler questions about the team and about leadership all day long, but not about that. He answered their questions quickly and politely, and he ran out of there the second the conference was adjourned.

A few weeks later, prior to a preseason game, John found him deep within the snaking hallways of the arena, hiding out alone. He had walked off by himself in distress, suddenly feeling the pressure of everything on his shoulders and wanting to escape it for a little while longer.

John approached him from behind and put a gentle hand on his shoulder, causing Nicky to flinch.

“Hey, Nick, what’s wrong?”

John didn’t know him nearly as well as Alex did. They didn’t know what the other was thinking just with a look. But Nicky had known John for a very long time. Since Alex had left, John was the longest-tenured member of the team behind Nicky. They had played hundreds upon hundreds of games together, and well over a decade of knowing each other meant John knew Nicky well enough to know when something was up.

Nicky didn’t really like talking about his feelings, and he especially didn’t like opening up about his vulnerabilities and insecurities. But in this moment, maybe it would be nice to get just a little bit off his chest.

He spoke quietly. “I’m anxious.” _Anxious_ probably wasn’t the right word, but he wasn’t going to say the word _scared_ out loud in front of John. “About...you know. Being captain. I’m worried I won’t do it right. That I won’t do him justice.”

“Nick, there’s no reason to be scared,” Carly said. It was like he read his mind anyway. “You’re already a great leader, with or without Ovi. You’ve always scared the shit out of us way more than Ovi ever did.”

Nicky glared at him.

“See, just like that,” John said. “Point is, you’re a natural leader. You’re better than you think you are. And you’re gonna be just fine. Things aren’t gonna be _that_ different. And just like Ovi always had you to support him, we’ll be here to support you. Me, Teej, Holts, Whip, Kuz, and the rest of the guys. We’re here for you. So chin up, take charge; it’s yours now. And I know you probably aren’t even going to listen to me because you’re a stubborn ass, so just think about it a little bit, okay?”

Well, John was right about that. His words made sense, but Nicky had a difficult time taking them to heart. It still didn’t feel right.

He grunted and let John lead him back to the locker room.

Soon the home opener rolled around. Nicky arrived to the arena, the locker room buzzing with excitement. The young guys looked like kids at Christmas. Some of the older guys were off in their routines. Nicky tried to do the same thing he always did before games, but he found he had a hard time focusing. He’d never show it, but the nerves were beginning to get to him. His teammates often joked that before and during a game he had no pulse, but if they were to feel it now, he was sure it would be beating out of control.

He put on the home jersey for the first time. The C, big and prominent, felt weird and foreign on his chest. It wasn’t supposed to be there. Nicky glanced left and right, like he was about to get caught doing something illegal. He felt like a fraud, like someone was going to march right in, rip that C off his jersey, and give him back the A that he was so accustomed to having. But no one did that. In fact, some of the guys even made comments about it, saying how good that C looked on him. But that didn’t help Nicky feel any more comfortable about it.

Right before they were to go out onto the ice, it was customary for the captain to address the team. That was usually Alex’s job. But today, Nicky saw that everyone was looking at him to say something. Nicky had given a few speeches in the past, but only in the most dire of situations. He wasn’t one for big speeches or lots of attention, anyway. Alex was pretty good at it. But as the new captain, he knew he had to say something.

“Uh,” he started. “Well, this year is different for us. I’m not gonna lie. No Ovi, for the first time in a very long time. It’s strange, especially for me. Our team is gonna be different this year, and it might take us awhile to find ourselves. But we still have a game out there to win, so let’s go out there and do it.”

He knew that was on the weaker side of locker room speeches, but his teammates knew how difficult it was for him, so they applauded nonetheless and started to get pumped up to get out there on the ice.

As was customary for home openers at the Verizon Center (Capital One Arena — he never quite got used to that), each player was going to be announced individually as he skated onto the ice, going numerically, followed by the alternate captains, and then the captain. The Capitals all lined up in the tunnel, with Nicky taking up the rear. It felt strange, knowing he was going to be the last one out onto the ice. This entire situation was foreign to him, and he didn’t feel any more prepared for it than he did a few weeks ago.

At the end of the tunnel, he could hear the cheering of the crowd and the flashing of bright lights. He took a deep breath as he heard the voice of the PA announcer, Wes Johnson, beginning to introduce the team and then calling the first name with his magnificent gusto. It was starting. He closed his eyes.

“ _Number nine, Dmitry Orlov!_ ”

One by one, the guys started skating out onto the ice. The line grew shorter and shorter, and Nicky kept inching closer and closer to the end of the tunnel. And yet, as the sounds grew louder, Nicky felt further and further away. He was barely aware of what was going on, just listening almost mindlessly as he heard his teammates being called onto the ice. He registered Jakub Vrana, Chandler Stephenson, Madison Bowey, and Christian Djoos greeting the cheering crowd. He heard the names of teammates that he was trying so desperately to remember. But all he could think about was Alex.

Sometimes he was resentful that Alex had left him. He knew Alex was just doing what he needed to do, but there had been times in the past that Nicky had had this deluded notion that they were going to stick together forever. Both on and off the ice. For his entire career, he had lived in the shadow of Alex Ovechkin; Ovi’s other half. He was terrified of what would happen when that shadow was gone.

“ _Number thirty, Ilya Samsonov!_ ”

He had spent his entire career, and what felt like most of his life, with Alex. And now Nicky was by himself. Who was he without Alex Ovechkin?

“ _Number forty-three, Tom Wilson!_ ”

The scary part was that he wasn’t sure. He had played in international competition without Alex before, and he had played in Sweden without him before, but he knew that wasn’t permanent. He’d always known that when that was over, he’d go back to playing with Alex.

“ _Number sixty-five, Andre Burakovsky!_ ”

He knew it was stupid and unprofessional to be this attached to a teammate. He’d always known that it wasn’t going to last forever. But until now, it had never seemed real.

“ _Number seventy, Braden Holtby!_ ”

His teammates had all assured him he was going to be a great leader. Even Alex did. Logically, Nicky knew he’d be okay. He knew how the game worked, he knew how to work with his teammates, lead them on the ice and in the locker room, and he knew how to talk to the refs. He knew that once he got onto the ice and the game started, he’d be okay. But right now, he was in emotional turmoil.

“ _Number ninety-two, Evgeny Kuznetsov!_ ”

Nicklas took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. He needed to get himself together before he got out onto the ice.

“Hey Nicky, are you alright?”

He looked into the eyes of John Carlson. He must’ve let some emotion spill out onto his face. Thoughts of their recent conversation popped into his mind, and he noticed the look of concern on Carly’s face. Nicky looked at his two alternate captains in front of him, who were the only other ones remaining in the tunnel.

“I’ll be fine,” he assured them.

“ _Alternate captain, number seventy-four, John Carlson!_ ”

As John jumped out onto the ice, only two of them were left. T.J. Oshie twisted and patted him on the shoulder.

“You’re gonna do great, man. Nobody deserves it more.”

“ _Alternate captain, number seventy-seven, T.J. Oshie!_ ”

When T.J. hopped onto the ice, time seemed to slow down for Nicky. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. It was just him alone. In front of him was home ice. Over eighteen thousand people awaited him. And for a few moments, Nicky couldn’t hear a single one of them. It was just him and the ice.

He gritted his teeth. _No_ , he told himself, _it was_ his _ice_.

“ _And finally…_ ”

A new chapter was beginning.

“ _...your captain…_ ”

He was the captain now. This was his team. His responsibility.

“ _...number nineteen…_ ”

And it was time to hit the ice and be a leader, just like Alex.

_“Nicklas Backstrom!_ ”

Nicklas hit the ice to a thunderous applause he wasn’t sure he deserved. He waved to the crowd and circled to join his teammates in the line, stopping next to T.J., who gave him a big pretty-boy smile and a slap on the ass. Nicky appreciated the gesture. For this to work, he was going to need all the support he could get.

He knew the line would disperse soon so the game could get started, so Nicky took a look around the arena, soaking it all in. So many people, so many cheers. He could make out individual faces. The woman in the front row with the blonde hair. The man with the baseball cap behind the penalty box. Nicklas took a quick glance up to the suites, expecting more of the same…

And then he saw him. Sitting in the front row of Ted Leonsis’s box. That big, salt-and-pepper haired, gap-toothed, big-hearted Russian that Nicky knew and loved so much. He was standing in the box and clapping, looking straight at him. And, as if their on-ice telepathy had become something more, Nicklas knew exactly what Alex was saying to him.

_Good luck, Nicky. I believe in you, and you’re gonna do great. I can’t wait to see you play_.

Nicky’s thumping heart jumped into his throat. He smiled and gestured right at Alex, expressing his appreciation. He wouldn’t tell him exactly how much him being here meant to him, but he suspected Alex already knew.

But he was going to give him hell for having the audacity to not tell him he was here, that little shit.


End file.
